Porn is love you can see.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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