Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
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My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
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Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
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