Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
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When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
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She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
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