its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
