I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
tell me about the fingering
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