my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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