So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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