I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
