Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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