then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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