Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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