My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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