I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
