after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
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All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
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He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
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