Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
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