I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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