all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Randomize
