Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS