You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.