i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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