tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Randomize
