I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
