I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Randomize
