Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Randomize
