your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
