1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Randomize
