i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
