your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
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