I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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