I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
