I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
