is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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