i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
