I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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