He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Randomize
