this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Randomize
