You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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