just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
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