i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
