I molested 6 butterflies tonight
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
