I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
