I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Randomize
