I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
