oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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