I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Randomize
