nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
