The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.