Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
23 Bosses Confess The Craziest Thing They’ve Seen An Employee Do
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
19 People Confess What It’s Like To Have Sex With Someone That Is Transitioning
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.