I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
It’s A Miracle These 21 Promiscuous People Don’t Have STDs
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
These 27 Infuriatingly Annoying Habits Will Ruin Your Day
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.