that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
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My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
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Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.