life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
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