we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
