i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Randomize
