I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Randomize
