Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
