She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Randomize
