Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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