i don't like sucking hair
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
