Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
