Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
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