what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
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