Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Randomize
